From Trauma to Triumph: Healing and Ending Generational Pain

Try to recall your 10th birthday. What do you remember the most? Is it the celebration your family threw you? Or the fact that everyone treated the day like a normal day—no celebration and just a mere “Happy Birthday”? Or maybe you see yourself crying in your room because your father scolded you when you asked for your birthday present? The way we were raised shaped us into who we are today. Those who grew up in a healthy environment have a different experience from those who grew up experiencing generational traumas. 

Any topic that relates to mental health is a topic that most of us shy away from, thinking that not talking about it will make the problem go away. Generational trauma, for example, is an uncomfortable, complex topic, as we will not only be discussing ourselves but also our parents and the generation before that. Yasmin Mogahed, in her latest talk when she visited Malaysia, provided an eye-opening and empathetic guide to understanding and healing from this deep-seated pain. To truly move forward, we must confront and process these traumas.

We are shaped through our upbringing and childhood. If we remember only good, happy memories from our childhood, chances are we grew up in a healthy environment as a child. But if it’s the opposite—only remembering the way we were hit or ignored by our parents—then we probably grew up in an unhealthy environment. 

Trauma isn’t just about catastrophic events; it can be the absence of necessary nurturing—too much or too little of something essential. For example, too little attention during our childhood will make us develop an avoidant attachment, scared of forming a healthy bond with others. On the other hand, too much attention can cause children to be afraid of losing the people they love and, as a result, develop an anxious attachment to others. 

When children grow up without feeling safe, seen, or loved, the trauma of the deprivation doesn’t fade over time. It manifests in adulthood, impacting relationships with our spouses, friends, and our own selves. This trauma can result in self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, and cycles of unhealthy behaviour, where people may attempt to numb their pain through addictions or distractions. It’s an unending cycle of traumas. And the trigger? Unheal trauma.

To break this generational trauma, we need to take the initiative to heal ourselves first. Here are the key steps for those seeking to break the cycle of generational trauma:

• Recognise Toxicity
  The first step is to acknowledge that certain patterns and behaviours are unhealthy. This awareness is essential for change.
• Do the Work to Heal
  Healing is not passive; it requires active effort and commitment. This can mean seeking therapy, building a support system, and leaning into spiritual practices that nourish the soul.
• Practice Self-Compassion
  Many people judge themselves for feeling hurt or upset, perpetuating their suffering. It’s okay to feel pain. We need to embrace our emotions, not bury them.

Suppressing pain may seem like an easy solution, but it only amplifies it. Untreated trauma can grow, impacting not only our mental health but our physical well-being too. Imagine if you were being shot in your arm, but you left the gunshot wound untreated. Ignoring the pain in your arms will not heal it, but instead will give the wound an infection. Essentially, that is what most of us are doing with our trauma. 

Unprocessed grief can manifest as rage, which can turn inward as self-hatred. If we don’t cope in healthy ways, we risk creating more harm. This is why understanding that crying and expressing emotions are not signs of weakness is crucial. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) himself cried openly and saw tears as a sign of mercy, so why do we think that crying is a sign of weakness? 

Crying is an essential process in healing. The first action a newborn takes is to cry, signifying health and life. Yet, as we grow older, society often discourages emotional expression, associating it with weakness. This mindset contradicts the teachings of Islam and the practices of the Prophets. Aside from the stories of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.), do you know any stories of other prophets and how they deal with grief? Prophet Ya’qub (a.s.) cried until he became blind due to the grief of losing his son, showing that deep sorrow and expression are part of our human experience.

Children need unconditional love to develop healthily. Love shouldn’t be withheld as punishment when children make mistakes. Love shouldn’t be poured onto children only when they successfully achieve something. As parents, it is our role and responsibility to break this generational trauma by changing the way we treat our children. 

Parents should be like the GPS. Would a GPS tell you that you are worthless just because you took a few wrong turns? Even if you continuously take the wrong turns again and again, the GPS will never say anything hurtful to you. Instead, the GPS will continue to recalculate and reroute you so that you will arrive at your destination safely. No matter how many times you take the wrong turn, the GPS will always try to find another route for you.

As parents, let’s learn to be like the GPS. Instead of getting angry over our children’s mistakes, fix their mistakes lovingly and gently. It will help children understand that while their actions may need correction, their inherent worth remains intact. Always remember that we are all humans, and we all make mistakes.

To embark on a healing journey is not easy, as it is not a linear path. The healing journey is full of twists and turns. But what can make this journey easier is getting help and guidance from others. One of the guides that is accessible to everyone is books! Yasmin Mogahed has written several books on healing. If you are interested in learning more, you can buy them at our website and online shopping platform.

Yasmin Mogahed’s powerful insights remind us that we all possess inherent worth as creations of Allah, a value that cannot be diminished by the trials we face or the mistakes we make. To break the cycle of generational trauma, we must acknowledge our past, embrace our emotions, and actively choose healthy coping mechanisms. Only then can we nurture resilience within ourselves and foster a healthier, more compassionate environment for future generations.

Healing is possible, and it begins with acknowledging the past, accepting our emotions, and choosing to process them with faith and healthy strategies.